Colyns Agboju - Spirit, Soul & Body

10 THINGS YOUR MAN BRINGS INTO THE RELATIONSHIP PART X: GOOD

2011-12-30T10:33:00.000-08:00

I asked women on one of my Social Network page what they would call men when they are angry. Check the list and let me know if you have heard them or even used those words before.

~ Jerk

~ Retard

~ SOB

~ Cross to Carry

~ Piece of sh$t

~ An abortion gone bad

~ A$$hole

~ Chauvinistic bastards

~ Dog

~ Cheater

~ worthless

~ D$ckhead

~ The stone in my shoe

~ Thorn in my side

~ JACKA$S

~ Douchebag

~ Loser

~ Dictator

~ Sh$t-head

~ Butt-head

~ Coward

I completely agree that some men could make you so angry that they seem to fit one or all the adjectives above. As a matter of fact, fewer women are calling their men endearing names these days. And no, I am not writing this article to increase the number or support your claims. Yes, I will not be defending men either even though I am one?

THERE IS GOOD IN HIM!!!

You are probably rolling your eyes and wondering if I have gone out of my freaking mind. Please don't argue, just read on. I don't blame you considering how he's “abused” you in many ways. Yeah you have lost hope of experiencing any iota of affection from him. Maybe you have decided to file for divorce or end the “damn” thing between you. I will not use the cliché “hold on” because many people must have used those words. I will simply suggest another less traveled path.

Take a minute and picture when you first met. Remember the endearing names you called him? He was the sweetest man alive and you will stay up late nights talking with him. When you phone rings, you often wished it’s him calling. He was cool, nice and treats you like a queen. You even thanked God for blessing you with such a gentleman and you never overlook the opportunity show him off to your friends. In those days, you could write a hundred poems about your man in few minutes. HE WAS NO DOUBT THE BEST AT THE TIME. The question is what has gone wrong?

TRACING BACK TO THE GOOD OLD DAYS.

...Remember therefore from whence thou art fallen,

And repent, and do the first works…

Revelation 2:1-5

Frankly, someone has changed, which has in turn has affected the beautiful relationship you had going. That someone might be YOU. Yes you. I am not referring to any specific gender but YOU reading this article. It's okay to point fingers on your partner as the reason why everything’s gone bad but it is noble to start by taking responsibility of your share of blame. Is that hard? Taking responsibility doesn't mean it's entirely your fault or that you are wrong. It just means you are bold enough to accept that you are a party in the events that contributed to the consistent breakdown of your relationship. It's about time to stop fighting, hold yourself accountable and start asking honest, selfless questions that will lead to the return of peace in your relationship. Questions like:

~ When did my partner start acting weird and why?

~ What was I doing when the going was good and if I did more, would we still be here?

~ What does my partner REALLY need from me and are they getting it?

~ What are we always fighting about and why?

~ How selfish have I been to my partner? (It’s easier to pat yourself on the back for been the perfect partner but I bet YOU ARE NOT!)

~ What is my partner always complaining about and how can I swallow my pride to provide it?

~ What do I have to GIVE up to KEEP this relationship and am I willing to?

~ What are my expectations and they too soon, impractical and selfish?

~ Am I meeting my partner's expectations or am I arguing about my right to hold them back?

The truth is that the most catastrophic inferno in history began with a tiny fire. And for you, finding the cause of the disaster in your relationship is the first step towards restoration. Asking honest questions like those above and objectively answering them push your whole being into an action mode. It opens your eyes to the plight of your partner and how badly you have treated them. For a moment your selfishness and pride will become obvious to you and all the cry about been maltreated will roll away.

REPENT BABY:

Remember therefore from whence thou art fallen,

And REPENT, and do the first works… Revelation 2:1-5

It’s hard to point the accusing fingers at yourself especially if you are used to pointing fingers at others for your misfortune and for some, it's entirely an impossible step. But I am advising that you find that part of you and nail yourself real hard for being part of the problem. If you can find yourself successful at sharing the blame with your partner for a bad job in the relationship, you are closer to salvation. If you can find your share of failures in the relationship, it means you have been wrong in a way and your partner was right in a way. Don't hesitate to go your partner and apologize. Don't argue that your partner had been bad or assume they will take you for granted. JUST APOLOGIZE!!! It will need a lot of humility and it may not be acknowledged immediately but one thing is sure, you are not a fool for seeing your own wrong and saying I am sorry. In the long run, you will benefit immensely from such action.

“I am sorry” is the greatest relational healing prescription there is: These words are more effective if you don't attach a sermon to it. Nevertheless, if you are tempted to add something, please use endearing words like “you mean so much to me than been right or wrong.”

GIVE AND IT SHALL BE GIVEN UNTO YOU…

Remember therefore from whence thou art fallen,

And repent, AND DO THE FIRST WORKS… Revelation 2:1-5

What do you want from your partner? Find a piece of paper and list them in other of preference with what you want most at the top of the sheet. Decide today to give what you desire of your partner and don't hold back anything. If you want to be treated nicely, BE NICE. If you want understanding, UNDERSTAND. If you want to be happy, MAKE YOUR PARTNER HAPPY. Make that decision. Although it might not flow back to you immediately, it will come back to you eventually in good measure, pressed down, shaking together and running over. Great blessings come to those who give and give without expecting immediate compensation. Those people have stuck up so many blessings in the supernatural that when they start pouring down, there is no ending. Few months from now I bet you will look back and ask, how did I manage to get the best spouse in the world?

Finally, it's time to start doing what you did in the good old days. Your love is not dead; it's your feeling that has been hurt. Even if it were dead, dry bones can live again. Pray for your partner; prophesy peace on your relationship and watch God move in miraculous ways.

HAPPY NEW YEAR IN ADVANCE!!!

10 THINGS YOUR MAN BRINGS INTO THE RELATIONSHIP PART IX: HIS TEMPERAMENT

2011-09-27T07:02:00.000-07:00

Temperament as we have read in many books is why a person acts the way he does. To narrow down the definitions to this series, Temperament is why and how your man acts in certain ways. This is based on certain influences; some genetic, some cultivated by childhood conditioning and others, by habits groomed over a long period of time.

Recently I was watching a movie with my wife when suddenly a character got me laughing uncontrollably. I didn’t know when in my excitement I slapped her arm (not very hard and yet not gentle). It would have gone unnoticed by me if she had not screeched. Instantly I knew what had happened. You see, I do that with my siblings a lot while growing up. We really enjoy our movie time. When a part is funny, we will pause the movie and laugh. Sometimes a person gets ecstatic and slaps the next person (light). It’s like saying did you just see or hear that? Depending on topics, sometimes we pause for a while and talk about it or argue and then continue. Those were learning periods in our lives as a family to hear others out on certain topics or unleash our anger or admiration for a certain character in a movie. Unfortunately, that's strange to my wife. But it’s been a part of me eon and eon now.

Your man has many characteristics already engraved into his personality. Quite honestly, some of them are not as irritating as we claim. I am not creating awful arguments for infuriating habits to thrive. Just look closely sweetheart, some of the things he does are not really bad; they are just different. Different sometimes is quickly regarded as bad but is it really?

There is a possibility that what your man does or how and why he does it is beyond his control. And I believe many people have tried to change him and have failed. I have no problems with change; in fact I am a strong advocate of adjustment in a relationship to better bond with your partner especially if it’s symbiotic. I usually have problems with how we demand change from men. We often want it too fast, too soon or too badly like your man is completely horrible because of that temperament. We stop seeing his good side and keep pummeling him until we see change (And that's why we often don’t). Change comes with love and trust and not by how often or how hard with make our point.

Today I want you to recognize the temperament or characteristic in your man that has been irritating and try the following advice.

Is he happy?

We are naturally selfish. We want what makes us happy and ignore our partner’s needs. I am not saying that we shouldn’t desire change in our partners and be unhappy ourselves. The truth is that people change when they are happy and feel secure that you don’t judge them regardless their habits. Happiness is important in a relationship. When you make someone happy, you get more yourself.

Adjust, join the groove or change your approach.

Enjoy the moment. Instead of picking a fight every time he irritates you, enjoy it with him if he’s enjoying it himself. If it’s something you can fix without complaining, please do it. You should know by now that complaining and nagging doesn’t work with men – always makes things worse. My wife calls me Mr. CrumbsMaker and that’s because I make crumbs. (Now that’s a secret between us. Don’t tell her I told you and don’t call me that. Lol. Yeah she will read this anyway). Few days ago she walked into my home-office space and said “babe, the crumbs you made in the kitchen attracted ants. Just wanted you to know.” I quickly apologized and when she left, I was troubled and I am more careful now when I eat or snack. That is more effective approach than nagging.

Do you have temperaments?

I don’t think you are lying to yourself that you are all spotless and everything you do is perfect because that would be the deception that brings desolation. Treat your man like you are not perfect yourself and obey the great rule: Do unto others what you want others to do unto you. If you want understanding, give understanding when it’s required from you.

Applaud/reward good temperament.

Compliment good temperament and compliment good habits. Your man should know that regardless the bad; you see more good in him. Don’t magnify bad and be silent on good.

You should know this

Some temperaments/habits will never go away, some will go with time and others can be fixed right away. It is important to know the devil you are fighting. Don’t make unrealistic demand. Be wise with the change you desire.

Finally

It is paramount to state that there are temperaments/habits that should go away with their proprietor instantly before they have a chance to destroy you. Stop trying to fix abuse, drugs, unfaithfulness etc in your man. Some people need treatment and you are not a doctor. Even if you were, you are in a compromised position to offer any form of medication. So let them go.

May God bless your relationship.

10 THINGS YOUR MAN BRINGS INTO THE RELATIONSHIP PART VIII: HIS GOD

2011-09-02T07:31:00.000-07:00

Every man worships a god, yes even atheists. While some allow the living God to be the Lord of their lives, others are the slaves of their stomachs, their urge or some other human beings. It’s the 21^st century and many mythological and man-made gods are disappearing and leaving us obsessed with other gods so silent that until we look closely we can’t notice them. Even in Africa, the carved gods are becoming extinct and they are being replaced by these muted, modern, scientific gods. When was the last time you heard of the Greek mythological gods like Eros, Zeus, Apollo, and Artemis or in Africa; Oduduwa, Shango, Sopona and others? If you read as much as I do you will agree with me that they are silently stories we hear in museums. You want to know the replacement? Just look closely at you and around you. Do you notice how men have replaced these gods with food, sex, fashion, work etc. just as there are thousands of mythological gods, there are thousands of self-imposed gods in our lives these days? Needless to say, these self-imposed gods run our lives and influences our decisions. Their havoc is unquantifiable too. To know a man or the destiny of your relationship, study his gods or God.

Sadly the devil is not in direct contact with many men or tempting them to do evil anymore. His plan is to push them to yielding to something or someone to the point of worship. In my opinion, the devil is busy with some serious business of causing global pandemic or architecting the destruction of a large quantity of people as we have witnessed in our world lately like September 11 catastrophe in the United States, floods, earthquakes, crisis, hunger. He has not visited many men on earth lately and whatever they did and held the devil responsible for was the doing of the gods they have created for themselves. Don’t you know that to whom or what you yield the control of your life has become your god?

I intend to make this article brief and hit the nail on the head quickly but I will not find rest if I don’t say this. Jesus Christ is the Prince of Peace. He calmed the raging storm, and saved His friends; the disciples from tragic death. You need a man whose god is the Lord, whose standard is the bible and who will be willing to love you like Christ did to the church and lay down His life for her. We know that as humans our strength is limited. But a man who looks up to God for support always finds a way. As it is written, “…the name of the Lord is a strong tower, the righteous runs into it and they are saved”. You can always count on God to save your relationship when you don’t have enough strength to do it. Men whose gods are their stomach, their sexual urge, their abilities will always fail because vain is the strength of man. But those who put their trust in the living God will soar with the wings of the eagle when troubles come. And though they fall seven times, they will rise again stronger and better for you because they lean on a strength that is bigger than theirs.

The god in your man matters especially in these perilous days of innumerable divorce and abuse. Pray if your man knows not God. And may the spirit of God speak to His soul and spirit to hear the call. Remember, Christ in us the hope of glory. See you soon.

Remain blessed

Collins Agboju

10 THINGS YOUR MAN BRINGS INTO THE RELATIONSHIP PART VII: HIS MOTHER

2011-08-16T08:57:00.000-07:00

For some minutes I fought the temptation of opening an article of this nature with this question; what words would you use to describe your man's mother? It just didn't sit well with me and I don't want the question ticking anybody off before they even start reading. I also do not intend this article to be an emotional one but one that will sign us up for deeper thought and realization. Many books have been written against MIL (mother-in-laws) and since I don't have any, I am not a good candidate for that line of thought because I simply do not know how they go about their business.

On my job as a relationship advisor and in my relationships I have heard really heartrending opinions about mothers especially mother-in-laws. Words like witch, difficult, unappreciative, psychotic, verbally abusive, acts like a 5 year old, can do nothing for herself, whiny, backstabbing, she releases horrible outbursts of psychotic anger, overprotective, a**hole, have been used to describe mothers. While some are using horrendous adjectives to describe the one who gave their men life (forgetting that there wouldn't have been your so called adorable man, if she had aborted him at conception), I have also heard countless great accolades showered on mothers, even mother-in-laws. I believe my wife will agree that my mom is every word that follows: loving, bigheart, role-model, thoughtful, hardworking, and honorable. She is also beautiful and supportive. No matter what you mother-in-law or man's mother is, this article is for you. Among other things your man brings into the relationship, his mother (good or bad) is major; yes I mean MAJOR. There is no way to go around it; your man's mother is a major influence on his life, your relationship and your future together.

HERE IS WHY SHE IS MAJOR AND NOT A MINOR INFLUENCE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP

She was his first woman: Before you stepped in the door, she was. She was the first contact he had with the copy of a woman. Don't ignore that. Just as we all have an opinion of something by our first contact with that object, his opinion of women began with her. FYI - that opinion is for a lifetime. She is usually his best or worst standard for making the choice of a woman. Your man is either running away from his mother's characteristics or running to it. This is important. When he talked with you the first time (I mean in serious relationships), he wanted to date you because of one of these two reasons. 1. You are like his mother (in cases where his mother is sweet). 2. You are not like his mother (when his mother is a monster). In most cases, you are his mini-mother or unlike the monster he calls mother. Among other things, he brings his mother to your relationship either he is running away from her attributes or wanting more of her in you. A smart move is to know this and use it for the benefit of your relationship.

She molded him: A man is his mother's son. When she rebuked him for cursing or allowed him, she was molding him. When she made him go to church every someday or let him play video games she was molding him. At the times when she made him do his assignments instead of watching TV, when she tuck him into bed or let him stay up late, she was molding him. Many characteristics he's displayed were taught him by mama when she was nursing and raising him. Psychologists have said that the foundation of a man's characters was laid before he turned 6 years old. Anything else is a building on that foundation. Over the years he's learned to make his own decisions but what he was configured to do in his early years will possibly be with him for a lifetime except by divine intervention. You will need to know how he was brought up to understand him better.

He is still connected to his mother in deeper ways: The bible says in Leviticus that the life of a thing is in its blood and your man is the product of blood. Not only did she nurse him, he is a part of her. Do you understand me? He is a part of his mother as well as his father (but we are not talking his father today). He lived in her for 9 months and ate only because she ate and breathe only because she did. What made you think he wasn't angry when she was or even sick? What made you think they don't share characteristics? I am not saying a man is exactly his mother; he is different but not absolutely. I think his mother should be a case study for you if you want to know him better. Don't love the man and ignore his mother. As long as it depends on you, love her as Christ loved the church. She is worthy of at least one honor; she gave your man life when she could have taken it.

Here is a word of advice: don't try to disconnect a man from his mother because you don't like her. Even if he is angry with his mother and considers her a monster. It is not in your place to do anything to facilitate that. Here are my reasons: first, she is his mother who gave him life. Secondly, he is his mother's son and you need to know her to both know him and appreciate him. And finally, she did the best she could to raise him; you may not like how she raised him but that's all she had to give (maybe based on how she was raised too). Instead of hating, love her. And for great moms, do all you can to make them happy.

Here is a fabulous blog to visit. http://crossculturallove.wordpress.com/

Purest love,

Collins Agboju

10+ SNEAKY GUYS TRICKS A WOMAN SHOULD NEVER FALL FOR.

2011-07-25T08:40:00.000-07:00

I was at the library a while ago and two well dressed, (in my initial assessment) smart women sat next to me. I was almost certain they are smart women until they opened their mouths. They were so loud with the description of their dirty linens in a public place meant for intellectual research that I had to move two tables away to be able to concentrate. Yet it seems that the farther I moved, the louder they became forcing me to do nothing else but listen to they dialogue. Yeah I know its bad mannerism to listen to other people’s conversation but it was right in my face and I couldn’t help it. The content of their discussion inspired this article. I hope you like it.

1. Excessive hugging to check out what you've got: he claims he's just a friend but can’t keep his hands away from you “private” areas. Tell him to get a woman. He's damn sneaky.

2. The line, “sorry do I know you from somewhere?” we all know that It's an outdated line used by our granddads to pick a woman in the 20s. He’s probably done that to many women. Best answer – No I dunno ya, smile and click the ignore button.

3. Catch him checking out another gorgeous girl: he says “oh baby, checking her Louis Vuitton. Wanna get it for you on your birthday.” Do you believe that crap?

4. He's got this girl he's close with: he claims she's just a friend. She cooks for him, does his laundry and calls him at weird hours. Then you saw her underwear and bra in his bathroom. Your man stutters and says, “oh em em em… em baby it's not what you think. She got stained while helping in the kitchen.” It also affected her pants too? What does he take you for?

5. He’s behind you in a molue and he's got his “Johnson” glued to your behind: you noticed a bulge behind you and he pretends he's fine. Yeah right!!! Kick him off your butts before he cum on you.

6. Doesn't want you to visit or wants a call before you come: He claims he loves you but has an excuse every time you wanna visit. Prefers taking you out and claims it's serene there. Where's more serene than home? You gotta call your man before you visit? Bulls**t!!! Your dude has got skeletons.

7. He answers lots of calls from women he claims are just friends. The weird thing is that he answers them in private. Be careful girl because you’re on a “long thing”. I bet he answers your call in private when he's with them too.

8. Still on call: his phone is on silent, switched off or he ignores calls when he’s with you. Sometimes he registers names with codes. Eg, IT, Ti, BM, G2, PC etc. You buy that crap? Bless sis.

9. You are at a party and he’s not holding you as usual. He doesn't even sit close to you. You got worried and attempt to be close to your fine dude. But he says “Baby, I’ve got slight headache.” Yet drinks and eats and even laughs with friends as usual. You believe him? Nah! He’s either checking out another babe or one of his girlfriends is close feet away.

10. Your name is Jennifer yet he unconsciously calls you by another name like Sandra, Titi, Magdalene, Dorcas. You think its normal or you dismiss it as a mistake. Wait a minute sugar!!! You are either dumb or nonchalant. His mother, sisters or anyone you know him with doesn’t go by that name. Who then is Sandra? Ask him next time he calls you another name. He’s spending time with another woman or you’re the woman. I fear you are the other woman because out of the abundances of the mind the mouth speaks.

11. You saw a used condom in his jacket and he say gives a whole "kakameme" story about how his friend tuck it into jacket and forgot to retrieve it. What happened to his friends pocket that he cannot keep his things? be wise, he is damn sneaky.

12. Every time you go out and it's time to pay, that's when he strikes a conversation with a person across the table, goes to the bathroom or forgets his wallet. Are you kidding me? okay next time don't pay until he gets back and give him the bill. he's a sneaky freeloader

Gotta go. Feel free to comment on this post and add to this list of sneaky guys tricks if you have an experience with one or suggestion.

NOTE:

Next post I will continue our series of, 10 THINGS A MAN BRINGS INTO THE RELATIONSHIP PART VII.

Purest Love,

Collins Agboju

10 THINGS YOUR MAN BRINGS INTO THE RELATIONSHIP PART VI: HIS LIBIDO

2011-06-06T05:42:00.000-07:00

A MAN IS HIS LIBIDO. Note that I wrote the previous sentence in capital letters? I mean to say read again and again until you understand the weight of those words. In this time of tsunami of sex (have you not noticed how sex’s been worshiped on TVs, radio, music, paintings, movies etc?); the one thing a woman should not sweep under the carpet is the power of sex on her man. The irony is that as women get into the mainstream of professionalism and independence; this is one issue they ignore the most. Could that be the reason why more men are unfaithful?

By personal analysis and observation, I have discovered that men are unfaithful for 3 strong reasons (add to the list if your want). All points are equally valid

1: MEN are sexually greedy beings: A man is turned on by what he sees. If what he sees is attractive, he likes it almost immediately and the next move is to chase and conquer. Self-control is a very vital quality of being a man. Men who are impoverished of this quality always get into trouble. More importantly so now than ever, men need to exhibit a degree of chastity and strength of will from all the sexiness around us. Contrary to some school of thought, there are men who are sexually disciplined.

2: MEN are sexually malnourished: When a man is starved; he is famished and when he is famished, he wants to eat. If his wife is too busy to have sex or has another excuse for tonight then the old saying of “when the desirable is not available, the available becomes desirable” becomes a thought. The truth is if a woman starves her man, his colleague, house-helps, hookers, scantily dressed girls on the street and flirting lonely women will look attractive to him. On most occasions, a sexually satisfied man remains faithful. Like I always say, it’s rare to have a Bentley in your garage and be interested in Tata Nano (the world’s cheapest car selling for $2,500 according to Forbes. It is not even available in the United States; they are barred from entry in their current conditions, because they don't meet U.S. safety and emissions standards.).

3: MEN are sexually bored: Men get bored easily and when they do, they search for something more satisfying. That’s the secret of civilization and invention. When men got tired of sleeping on the floor, they invented the bed. Have you ever wondered why men go to whores and strippers for pleasure? Here is an answer while you are still thinking of one: These women are trained to be versatile and bring men great pleasure. They may not be good at been wives and supporting men, but they are grand in pleasure making.

Are you a wife? One more thing to add to your quality as a wife is good sex. Ask him for his fantasies and satisfy them passionately. Explore new zones together and enjoy yourself while bringing him pleasure. Here are some tips: Make love outside the regular places (no law states that sex should be exclusively reserved for the bedroom). Seduce him in the car while in the park in the dark (like teenagers) and recline the seats to make love, walk into him the bathroom and “do” him, welcome him at the door naked, undress him in the kitchen and pleasure him. That’s what the “other woman” does to him enthusiastically and that’s why he keeps going there. Take the lead sometimes and dazzle him. One more advice, men know when you fake it. Be actively involved and you will enjoy it.

DON’T FORGET THIS:

1: A man’s libido can affect his brain and his brain can affect his libido: Google libido and brain if you have a minute. Take time to read the many researches about the connection between the brain and libido. It’s astonishing how they are both connected. Whichever comes first, either the brain affecting libido or libido affecting his brain, one thing is certain, the brain of a man is connected to his sex urge. Here is my point: if the brain functions as the primary receiver, organizer and distributor of information for the body, then sex can make a man perform wonderfully and can also make him perform woefully. If you are truly interested in his performance, this is important. Don’t you think?

2: A man’s libido can affect his ego: Nothing punctures a man’s ego than sexual rejection and worse if you ridicule his performance behind closed doors. His ability to perform veritably as a macho in bed, making his sexual partner feeling heavenly and hearing her express her satisfaction inflates his male ego remarkably. Well the absence or your reluctance to “go down” with him conveys a non-verbal message that he is weak bed and that’s why you are reluctant. A man is ready to try everything to avoid such an embarrassment. But after everything’s done and you are still unenthusiastic, you have unconsciously watered down his performance. I bet you don’t want to have a man with a depleted ego. A man without ego has lost a vital part of his being; he’s lost his drive, energy and the effrontery to forge ahead.

3. A man’s libido can affect how he treats you and the tranquility in the home: a couple approached a pastor about their incessant disagreements. Having gone through series of session with him without improvement, the pastor asked, “when last did you have sex?” they chorused in synchronization “about a year ago”. The pastor closed the session immediately and told them to make it happen tonight. They did and it changed everything. A week later they returned to the pastor with words of appreciation. In the man’s words, “pastor you are a miracle worker”. A sexually starved man does two things. He either cheats or has a thin skin and disagrees with you at every opportunity he’s got. This may explain why you are constantly in the mud with him.

4: A man’s libido can enhances creativity & productivity: A sexually satisfied man is mentally healthy and performs better professionally than a starved man. Don’t ask questions or disagree, just satisfy him and observe the difference.

5: A man’s libido can affect him spiritually: But for lust of the eyes and unfaithfulness many men would be great guys and spiritually sound. A satisfied man is a happy man. Wouldn’t you be interested in making that happen if that’s all you need to do?

PS:

Please note that this article is not a sexist one and I do not intend to communicate that sex answers all questions in your marriage. Also, it is far from the intention of this article to justify unfaithfulness or saddle women with the responsibility of initiating copulation. It is only intended to reveal one more thing a man brings into your relationship and offer one more suggestion for a woman to have a great union. Also, this particular article is intended for married couples as the author does not endorse premarital sex.

10 THINGS YOUR MAN BRINGS INTO THE RELATIONSHIP V - HIS EX.

2011-05-19T08:08:00.000-07:00

You can tell a lot about a person by just listening to their experience with their ex. For men, it is truer. One basic determinant of the present or future tendencies of any human being in relationship can be understood by just studying his past relationships. How they handled people who were there before you says so much about how they are going handle you.

Some days ago I approached a realtor for house rental as I am trying to move into a new home. One basic information I was asked to provide was my last job, my last landlord and why I left my last home. It was no surprise for me because we can only expect a man to tell us how great they are but a study into their past will reveal their true personality. While it is okay to say that we should not judge people by their past, it will be inappropriate to ignore it.

Men can be catalogued and remain in that category for a lifetime because they are often constant. In other words, you can be able to anticipate a man’s behavioral pattern by studying his past relationships or what category he belongs. But women have the propensity to acclimatize to situation and the people they deal with. In other words, a woman is like a chameleon; she can adjust or reinvent herself (if she wants to) to the man she is with per time. But men are more constant, which means the probability that a man will be what he was 10 years ago is close to 1 if not 1.

An abusive man 10 years ago may still be abusive 10 years after. You can say the same of a caring man as also of an unfaithful man, a manipulative man, a stingy man, a lazy man etc. No matter what he tells you, how many flowers he brings to your door-step everyday, and how many songs he serenades you with. A man is constant until he is influenced by a stronger force which in this case could be God or a therapist. How do you know if he has truly changed? One determining factor is that he takes his share of blame in past relationships and apologizes for them. He speaks well about past relationships and not looks for every opportunity to condemn his ex.

I have made it a point of call for all my relationships before getting serious to ask questions about exes. It is easy to be blinded by promises and emotions. Many people have fallen into the traps of promises by building their hopes and expectations on lies and façade. Don’t make that mistake. Ask questions and don’t be tired of asking if in anyway your man is blocking initially.

PAST TIES

I live in the United States and it is getting more difficult to find single women or men without children. It is so unfortunate that many boys and girls churning out children as early as 15 years old. Woman and men in their late 20s without children are considered sick. It is pathetic. A lot of men will be paying child support for the rest of their lives because they have children by different women. And you should know about this before getting serious with any man. Aside child support, your man will constantly be in touch with his ex (or exes) for the child’s sake. It is no longer news that men usually have sexual encounter with their baby’s momma during such contacts. Don’t pretend it’s okay because he is a nice person. Ask questions and keep asking until you are satisfied.

It will be inappropriate to not mention a man’s experience with his ex. If it is a good one, you may live your life keeping up with the record of his ex. Believe me your man brings that to you too. If he talks about his ex all the time especially when you are “wrong”, remind him that you are a different person and do not appreciate being compared with her. I bet you don’t wanna go down that road if he still considers her better even after your explanation. You may not win this fight. Whether you live in America, Africa or Europe, exes are a strong forces to deal with because they were with your man before you and sometimes longer. And invariably know him better. For instance, I was with my ex for 5 years and without any disrespect, I can tell her man many things about her and vise versa. Knowledge makes exes a strong force to reckon with but if your man is over with his ex, he truly is. How do you know if he truly is over? He doesn’t compare you to her and is not spending time with her even under the guise of “we’re just friends”.

Finally, don’t judge people by their past but don’t make any form of future commitment if you have to constantly look over your shoulders. You know what I mean.

Please come back for part VI

10 THINGS YOUR MAN BRINGS INTO THE RELATIONSHIP IV - HIS PAST

2011-04-27T08:39:00.000-07:00

A man’s past – his failures, relationships, disappointments and his successes can explain why a man behaves the way he does. It’s not a smart move to disregard this point. Men often do a very good job at coating their past especially when it concerns their failures because they have been taught to not show signs of weakness especially before a woman. It will take a lot of find-tuning to get some of them to connect with that part of them but you must.

Men will brag about their successes and how many mountains they’ve climbed but rarely mention their failures. To know a man, his success and his failures are important. One of the first things my fiancée and I did was to connect with this part of us. I agree with the cliché that life is lived forwards and not backwards. And many schools of thought will articulate that the past is history and couples need to concentrate on the future. Though i am a firm believer of this point of view, I also believe that if a woman is going to progress into the future with someone who didn’t just exist, she needs to acquaint herself with how he grew to be her man. It is juvenile to close the past because the sum total of your man began from the day he was born.

You may need to ask your man questions about his childhood. Psychologists through many researches have revealed that a man’s character is formed before he turns 6 years old. You will surely need to know that part of him to truly connect with who he has become through the years because he brings that portion of him to you too. As a matter of fact, it is important you familiarize yourself with his childhood because a man will sometimes replay or relive those days. If he was constantly chastised or rebuked while growing up, He will snap at you if you exhibit that trait at some point. When this happens, you need to know what to do. If he was ridiculed in school about how ugly his face, jean, shirt was, you better be careful if you are prone to do that because he will bite. Some kids are exposed to drug, alcohol, sex, gangsterism at a very tender age. Even with closure, some of these traits could stare at you in the face once in a while.

You will need to ask about his parents or those who raised him. You can not overlook the influence of these people in a man’s life. Some men are still angry at those who raised them or how they were raised. Some are angry at those who weren’t available for them. A large portion of our men make decisions to raise a family on the basis of how they have been raised -what they had and never had will influence how they will treat you. (This issue is so important that I dedicated a whole point later on a man’s mother).

Another question to ask is about his successes and failures and don’t disregard what he tells you. Needless to say, many of your man’s life’s decisions were made at these points. Human motives and passion are formed on days when life made them look very ordinary or on days when they experienced great breakthroughs. How they experienced these events should be considered too. When I went days without food, I made a big decision to help the poor and marry someone with that passion too. Also, I spent so many days on the floor looking for support for my dreams; scouting for someone to just give me a hand. No one came and those who did mistreated me. I have tried since then to dispense my expertise and experience (at nearly no cost) to fresh entrepreneurs in publishing. I have since then made many noble contributions to starters. The words of Jesus, “to whom much is given, much is expected”.

It is easier to question a man’s passion for the poor without knowing his motivation and why he does the things he does. I know men who would give up their last meal to the poor or give shelter to the homeless amidst glaring dangers. Many marriages have hit the rocks because women couldn’t understand why their husbands acted in certain manners. Isn’t it better to know what drives him to avert troubles? Also, many a man has nurtured immense guilt because of their mistakes and failures in the past. It is honorable to find these areas (if there are any) and make peace with them.

(Another question to ask is his exes or past relationships but because of how important this issue is, I have dedicated a whole point to discuss it.)

It is paramount to give you this advice and for emphasis, I am using capital letters. NEVER COMMIT WITH A MAN YOU HAVE NOT ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT HIS PAST. NEVER!!!

Please come back for part V

10 THINGS YOUR MAN BRINGS INTO THE RELATIONSHIP III

2011-04-19T08:33:00.000-07:00

A MAN AND HIS WEAKNESS

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference – the Serenity Prayer

When I mentioned in the last post that every man you meet is superior at something. I meant it. The scratchy side of that point is that he is also inferior at something. For Christian, one of the most frequently used verse is “I can do all things…” I agree wholly but that doesn’t mean we should be doing everything and weary ourselves. A man who consumes himself with doing everything will master nothing. And expecting your man to do everything and be everything is pushing it too far.

I am terrible at some things; very terrible I mean. But God knows I am very good at many things too. Women need to know that their men are not omnipotent and omniscient. He comes to you with weaknesses and he comes with bundles of it. There are things that you will never find me thriving at and if there were a scale of one to ten, I will fall at 3 or less. I plan on going to a dance class just for my wedding. I am terrible at cooking (ok I think I am improving but don’t expect me to dazzle you in that department). I am atrocious with mathematics and everything around it. Also, if you want to plan everything and have it written in black and white, please don’t count on me. When I met my fiancée (who is proficient in planning having trained as an event planner), this was obviously frustrating to her. I see the frustration in her eyes and I know she wonders how I ever get things done (and I do) without planning. That’s a weakness I carry and although I am working on that, I cannot guarantee success all the time.

This is important to note. Men are good at what they are good at and awful at what they are bad at. It has something to do with our gender I guess. We bother ourselves with what we can do and leave the rest to women. Lol. But seriously, that is why some men won’t learn how to cook or fix a diaper because until now, they think it’s a woman’s job.

THERE IS A CHILD IN EVERY MAN

Men are like children sometimes. They can be needy, unkempt, wimp and unaware as a 2 year old. Every woman must make peace with this truth or will be consistently disappointed. For most women, what a man stands for is perfection, strength and authority. He can be all of this most of the time but I doubt if there is a man who exhibits all of this traits all of the time. Don’t disrespect them in those moments when they don’t act as the wonderful prince in shining armor you have fantasized about. Most times a decent, honest conversation works miracles than resolving to nagging or being his mother.

Cheers.

Please Come back for part IV.

10 THINGS YOUR MAN BRINGS INTO THE RELATIONSHIP 2

2011-04-15T09:00:00.000-07:00

2. HIS STRENGTH:

Every man you meet is SUPERIOR at something. Some men are brilliant at planning and creating ideas. Some are gifted at executing plans and some are excellent at critiquing ideas. Some are gifted at listening, talking or watching. Others are great with kids, cooking, selling, buying, encouraging/helping, farming, painting, and so much more. Always remember that all gifts are distinct and every man, no matter how messed up and uncoordinated, is blessed with at least one special ability. Empower a man to function and thrive in the area of his strength and his contribution to the relationship will be inexhaustible. Needless to say, some men need their women to spot these strengths because history has proven that women have eyes that can see beyond the physical. On most occasions, the strength (active or docile) of a man is what attracts a woman in the first place. Remember that your man has strength and his contribution to the relationship depends immensely on this.

If you want your man to excel, never get tired of inflating his strength everyday. Wise woman encourage their men to be stronger at their strength, to explore new terrains of their strength and also provide the right energy to excel. A foolish woman expects her man to be somebody else she admires and invariably deflate his ability to excel in the area of his strength. To know a man, it is noble to identify his strength and encourage it. Such a man will remember your act of love forever. Identifying his strength does not mean the same as imposing a strength you admire. While women can perceive strength, they have the tendency to be controlled by self and competition. A woman could say, Mr. William is an engineer and makes a lot of money; you should be an engineer too. That’s a suggestion immersed in self and competition not in love. Lady Macbeth in Shakespeare’s award winning fiction, Macbeth is such a woman. She preyed on her man’s ego, greed and filled his heart with ambition which led to his waterloo. A woman should empower her man with encouragement, praise, ideas and not take advantage of his weakness to achieve her selfish desires.

It is paramount I say this: a man will love you better if you identify his strength and supply the necessary energy for him to thrive. This is called supporting your man. you always reap a dividend.

EXERCISE: Ask you man this question today. WHAT TO YOU LOVE DOING AND HOW CAN I HELP YOU BE HAPPY DOING IT?

check for part 3 on Monday.

Purest Love,

Collins Agboju

10 THINGS YOUR MAN BRINGS INTO THE RELATIONSHIP

2011-04-13T08:20:00.001-07:00

Have you ever wondered why men act in certain ways? Have you every used the phrase “all men are the same?” Are you among millions of women who are exasperated in the journey to understanding their men? This article might help with the answers. Every woman wants to know the man she has chosen to date or marry. Women are relational beings and a lot in their dating and marriage depend on how much they know about their men. A man could care less about this but knowledge is at the core of the relationship for women. I have never met a woman who does not seek a better way to know her man. The problem is that a lot of women are looking at illusive angle.

Many women have been deceived into believing the concept that men think with “between their legs” or that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Unfortunately, more women are frustrated because this concept doesn’t work. It may apply with attracting some men but rarely keep them. Think for a second, if all you need to do is feed him with your body and food, then relationships and marriages should be the most peaceful places on earth. Unfortunately, with the recent divorce rate and the arrow of satisfaction pointing downwards in many marriages, sex and food alone do not make men happy in their relationships. Something else does. And this is what the following article attempt to offer. When next you decide to get serious with a man, look for the following points. The more you can manage this, the closer you are to enjoying the man. Please note that this article is not offering tips on controlling your man but enjoying the totality of the man you have chosen to be with.

HIS JOB

Right from genesis, men have been predictable by their jobs or what they spend their day doing. Hence show me a man’s job and I will tell you a little about how he relates with his woman. Men have always viewed relationships in term of their training or job. Trust, bonding and romance boil down to their choice of job. This should not be a surprise because men spend more time with their work (an average man spends 8-10 daily at his job, 6-8 hours sleeping and 4-6 hours with you). Sometimes they even carry the workload to the bedroom splitting your own time. The probability that your man will treat you as a client is close to 1. He does this by default and not deliberately. For instance, I am trained as a journalist, which means I ask questions for a living. Sometimes they may seem irrelevant to you but they mean a lot to me to establish trust and conclude better. I want to know what happened in detail and the facts offered have to correlate. When they don’t match, I ask more questions. It’s not the issue of the absence of trust. In fact, trust depends on truth, consistency and sincerity for journalists like me. Half truth, blocking or inconsistency means you are hiding something and this will destroy the relationship faster than you know. I advised that men remove their work suits at the door but it is very hard to achieve this 100% of the time. Attorneys and judges may show similar traits.

If you understood that your man’s job is part of his life and he deals with your relationship SOMETIMES as his job, you will not hesitate to look closely at this point and chart a course for your relationship. A builder may have a yearning for planning, an accountant wants accountability, a doctor is quick to treat you etc. I am advising that you find how your man deals with you using his job as one of pointers because that’s a huge part of his life and he takes this with him even to the grave.

Please come back for part 2. The series runs to part 10.

12 TRUTHS FRIENDS SHOULD ALWAYS REMEMBER

2011-03-16T09:16:00.000-07:00

I have lived long enough to know that friendship is serious business. It’s not just the passing phase of our lives or whiling away time with a bunch of buddies because you are lonely or because you are desperate for attention. Naah! Friendship is serious than that - it’s sharing, daring and caring. Friendship is a warm touch strengthening us in difficult times – the assurance that someone cares for us really keeps us strong. It also means standing strong by the people you care about, believing them and completing them. It won’t be out of place if I said; friendship is the shoulder to cry on without feeling ashamed or afraid that you will be judged.

I have never canceled a friendship no matter how bad things went – no not one. How do people do that? From today you are no longer my friend? That’s lunacy. Nevertheless, there are people who ceased being my friends. I don’t blame them – it’s their choice. I have always considered people who I have shared my life with, no matter how brief, worthy of respect. That’s a choice I will NEVER regret.

True friendship never ends. The energy might lessen by distance and it can be hurt by friction but it never leaves the heart. Friendship that ends was selfish from the start.

I fear many things in life but only few equal a serene friendship. True friendship is never void of disagreements. If a serene friendship ever existed, the parties were never honest. Friends must be frank with each other and frankness brings friction. Men abhor frankness – it shows our flaws. Friendship that is frank and yet finds a way to understand is for real.

I can never give up on life or be bothered by loneliness as long as there is still that one person in my heart who reminds me of brighter days. This is God’s way of providing us strength when we seem to approach the end of the road. I have experience the value of friendship in hard times than in good times. Isn’t a friend in need a friend indeed?

I don’t expect my friends to be perfect. Just like me, they have their flaws and idiosyncrasies but I accept them completely like that. I’m ready to sacrifice a few inconveniences and disappointments because I love my friends. This kinda mind is an imitation of God’s love. God loves us when we are covered in shits because when the shit comes off, we become assets.

Our journey towards success accelerates tremendously if we have true friends in our lives. It’s no surprise that people who fail in life dine with fake friends. The birth of noble friendship is the best token to a man’s success.

All I ask from God is a selfless friend as Jesus. With him, I need nothing more to conquer the world. His worth is more than rubies and the energy he creates can cause a change overnight.

Time is not the reason why friends are true – I have friends who are as old as my age yet unstable as the same. The love and devotion friends are willing to share is what makes some friends true and others fake.

No kidding. True friends have made my cry but when I did, I found comfort in moments when our laughter rang into miles, when their hands helped me from sinking and the thought that they care was what kept me strong in difficult times. I will never trade that because of the few moments of pains.

I think friendship is derived from the word FREE. Here are my reasons.
1. A friend is not a parent or a babysitter. A friend gives me the freedom to make my choice and respect them because I am an adult. When you try to make decisions for your friend, you are assuming a parent’s role and you aint one.
2. With a friend, I am free to be myself and not be caught in any form of pretence. A friend should grant me the luxury of being myself without judging me else he should be ready to put up with my deception.
3. A friend should respect my space. There are three spaces in friendship. My space, your space and the space we share together. If you want your friendship to be worthwhile, you should respect your friend’s space until you are invited. There are secrets and issues that your friend is not ready to reveal – respect that. There are levels he is not ready to go with you yet – don’t force or seduce him. There are habits he’s fighting with – don’t give up on him. Friendship requires a lot of patience and common sence.

When friendship goes sour, I don’t badmouth my friends because they have contributed immensely to my life and it would be out of place to bite the hands that has fed me. Many of us mess up friendship when it ends forgetting the lovely memories we shared and the hands offered us in our times of need.

Purest Love,

Collins Agboju

JUST THE OTHER DAY IN A RESTAURANT

2011-03-07T10:43:00.000-08:00

For my non-Nigerian readers, the first four paragraphs of this post are crammed with Pidgin English because of my decision to illustrate this story clearly. But don’t worry, you’ll understand anyway. If you still have difficulty with the language, please notify me and I will try to subtitle for you. I must confess the translation is often more unclear.

After a busy day, I was famished and walked into a restaurant to eat dinner; no thanks to my singleness. I was working on a project the day before, and forgot to eat dinner until it was too late --- my stomach is not use to going two nights without a meal. On that day, no one needed to remind me to stop by the restaurant on my way home from the forum at which I gave a talk. Unfortunately the restaurant I chose was full, and after squeezing myself into a seat, I had to wait a little longer for my order to be taken. My mind was busy reflecting on my day; what I had said and what I forgot to say in my talk, when suddenly an argument brought me back to consciousness.

“Give me my change na!” a guy who looked respectable, dressed in a designer white shirt yelled at a waitress. “I dey come.” She replied calmly as she asked her colleague to bring the change and then stopped by my table to take my order. The dude got impatient and shouted, “Hey! No waste my time. Wetin dey do this mumu girl sef?” This time, the waitress replied in a manner not expected of her, or at least the guy wasn’t expecting that from her, “Oga I don send for the change abeg. Take am easy!” and immediately mumbled, “This oga too do sef,” as she turned to me and took my order.

Deep within me, I knew a scene was about to be created because the dude, though looking respectable, will not accept a response from a waitress in that manner. Forgive me for my unfairness in judgment. My opinion is based on his tone when he speaks to the waitress; the tone is chauvinistic - you know the type of man who thinks that women, especially waitresses should not talk to men that way. Another reason for my point of view is that his beautiful girlfriend sat beside him and from what I know about men; they tend to create a scene if they feel disrespected in the presence of their women. I feared for the waitress. .

It wasn’t a surprise when he stood up and said, “Na me you dey talk to like that abi? I no blame you, stupid girl! See her like monkey!” The waitress ignored him and continued her work. I believe her silence provoked him the more and he continued to denigrate her in many words. “See me see trouble o! All these Calabar girls no get respect sef. See this ugly thing o! You dey craze you hear!” The guy continued angrily.

I still couldn’t understand why the waitress held her tongue from replying even though it was obvious that she was fighting tears. Obviously some uneducated Calabar girls are more matured in controlling angry outbursts than some fine civilized dudes. I know a lot of women who would have preferred losing their jobs to give the dude a piece of their hearts rather than put up with such rudeness or insanity.

I pitied her and uttered words of comfort to her and held her hands, but I am not the regular kind of person who is obsessed with correcting people publicly while defending another. Even if I mustered energy to say something I was too hungry and tired for a fight. I faced my business squarely, and that was to eat. If anyone should have controlled the excesses of the dude that night, it was his girlfriend, but she wasn’t saying anything, why should I? I don’t understand how some girls sleep well at night after watching their men abuse innocent and helpless women publicly and do nothing in defense of her gender or even calm the man. “Na dem sabi sha.” I soliloquized.

Meanwhile everyone in the restaurant, including me, pretended to be eating until the dude got his change, made for the door, and gave his deathblow. “Hey monkey, next time make you mind the way you dey talk to people like me you...” Before adding another adjective, the guy sitting next to my table was vexed and spoke up. “My guy shame no dey catch you? Leave this girl alone na.” As if everyone in the restaurant was waiting for a cue, they pounced on him in a manner of a rapist caught by a victim’s relatives. I ate my food quietly. Hey! Don’t consider me cruel. Cruel is what I call the “defender of the universe” who at this point were pouncing on the dude with equally unfair remarks. As usual, I also used the opportunity to study human behavior and response when hauled over the coals. I wanted to know if people will change when they are openly challenged by a mob and I got my answer that night.

Did the jungle justice change this man? Negative. Before he left that place, he had upset more people and busted more bubbles. I had to snatch him away before they lynched him because he had made more people angry in the restaurant and the scene was degenerating into fisticuffs. Like every one of us when reprimanded, we tend to listen to the only person who seems to understand us, and I was that person for him that night. I wasn’t supportive of his act and indeed I condemned it. But I believe if a person should be rebuked, we should choose the style of Jesus when he said, “he who is without sin be the first to cast the stone” even though Jesus knew the woman to whom he spoke was in error.

I believe the dude that night should be rebuked, but with an angry man jungle justice rarely works. He may be forced to shut up, but will end up leaving with resentment and ready to do worse in the future. At the time of writing this article, he had called me twice and we’re getting along … and yes, he’s admitted to me his regrets when I tried to explain the danger of his act. Nice guy I must say – just had a bad side, which can be managed with kindness, not with a loud jungle rod of correction. I know the guy has a bad side and it is unfortunate, but who doesn’t? I am not a judge, but I know that by being nice to him he would definitely change.

Here is my point: Reprimanding a person in public, especially in the presence of their partner, would cause a violent response in the bid to protect their image. Does it stop there? No. He will offend more people and then the essence of correcting the person will not be achieved. Most people will not change or apologize when attacked like this. Would you? I don’t know much, but I know that no one likes to be rebuked like a baby – I don’t. On most occasions, we’re so wrapped up by our desires to correct and protect others that we equally become cruel to the angry person - like using violence to extinguish violence. It doesn’t work that way and that’s why most times we miss the opportunity to be the face of change; people become pigheaded when they could be changing.

Finally, although there are times when it is necessary to stop someone physically from hurting another person, more often than not it is helpful that we show love and understanding to those lost in anger, allowing them to discover their tenderness, everyone of us possesses that good quality. When someone loses his temper or does something objectionable, it's up to us to extend love to them, not a “holier than thou” attitude. Only then can we make adequate change to someone who is lost in anger or offensive behavior.

Purest Love,

Collins Agboju

PS: This note is an atual experience written about two years ago.

SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE FAIL MORE OFTEN...

2011-03-03T12:07:00.000-08:00

Take a look at an apple tree. There might be five hundred apples on the tree, each with ten seeds. That's a lot of seeds. We might ask, "Why would you need so many seeds to grow just a few more trees?"

Nature has something to teach us here. It's telling us: "Most seeds never grow. So if you really want to make something happen, you should better try more than once."

This might mean:
• You'll attend twenty interviews to get one job.
• You'll interview forty people to find one good employee.
• You'll talk to fifty people to sell one house, car, vacuum cleaner, insurance policy, or idea.
• And you might meet a hundred acquaintances to find one special friend.
When we understand the 'Law of the Seed', we don't get so disappointed. We stop feeling like victims. Laws of nature are not things to take personally. We just need to understand them - and work with them.

IN A NUTSHELL
Successful people fail more often. They plant more seeds. Go ahead and plant the next seed and be ready to sow another and another and another until you have good fruits. I am doing same.

Purest Love,

Collins Agboju

SPECIAL PROFILE: JOKE ONOJEGHUO - EMMANUEL

2011-02-12T06:57:00.000-08:00

I am a music junky and over the years, gospel music has become the basic part of my day from dawn to dusk and sometimes from dusk to dawn when I sleep with music. I have listened and owned hundreds of them in CDs, mp3s, dvds, itunes, mp4s and any other format available. I walk around with head phones and if you want to starve me, take music away from me. Music is life and gospel music is “lifer”. Lol. There is just an unexplainable refreshing effect on your being when gospel music plays on your stereo and if you are like me, tear drops flow like a river.

This following music creates for me this effect. Watch the video, buy the itune and spread the word. Emmanuel, God with us. May you experience Him today and always in Jesus name amen.

Joke - Emmanuel

THE ARTISTE

Joke is a worship leader, keyboardist, drummer, music producer, director and arranger who has been in ministry for almost 20 years. Her main motivation is service to God through leading his people in praise and worship. Her influences include Phil Collins, Israel and New breed, Chris Tomlin, Richard Smallwood, lucky Dube, Kim Burrell and a host of others. She currently resides in Lancaster, United Kingdom with her husband, Alex.

BACKGROUND

She started in ministry in 1992 with the drums as her first instrument and picked up the keyboard (her main instrument) three years later. She was a music director at Victory Christian church, Lagos and Winners chapel, Awka Nigeria, among several others. She is a member of the Lancaster University Pentecostal choir, where she plays the keyboard and directs from time to time.

SUCCESSES

She’s produced 2 albums with the ministries mentioned above and performed at various music programmes. Emmanuel is her first solo EP album.

CONTACT INFO

www.reverbnation.com/jokejazz, 0152436761, 07964047350
email: jazzpriestess2000@yahoo.com

The EP album is available on itunes.com and should be available on itunes.com, amazon.com and spotify.com

TRACK TITLE:
1. Emmanuel
2. Africa Arise
3. Adupe

92% OF YOUR FEARS WILL NEVER HAPPEN

2011-02-06T11:36:00.000-08:00

We take risks everyday though we refer to most of them as events of our lives. Driving your car is a risky decision because you heard of someone who drove his SUV yesterday and perished in it. If you don’t have a car, walking is risky too. Did you see in the news how someone was killed while crossing the road? Investing your money in stocks, bonds, and real estate is risky, very risky. Those who have lost money on Wall Street and Main Street in the past year are better at telling this story. Women take risks to get pregnant and watch the babies grow; what if the children die at birth, or as infants? In everything we do, from waking up in the morning, drinking a coup of tea, going to work, and to sleeping at night, certain levels of risks are involved. Yet, these risks are taken because we believe they are part of living. Howbeit those who don't do these things are referred to as living corpse.

No matter the risk we take daily; serious or not, every one of us accommodates certain fears. The degree of those fears is determined by temperament, personality type, beliefs, and often childhood conditioning. For instance, I was raised in a decent family where risks are too risky, and for the love of life, we had to settle for what was available. A lot of us have limits set in place (by us or by family) to restrict us from stretching beyond boarders. I have made huge mistakes by taking some risks, but I am better for it. What you fear is stronger than you, and that means you are a slave to your fears until you decide to break loose. Little wonder those who are timid, afraid to stretch, rarely succeed.

Life is built on the foundation of venturing and contending. God, in the beginning, ventured to create this world amidst difficult challenges as it is written;

“…and the world was without form
and void and darkness
was upon the face of the deep.
And God Said let there be light…”

God wasn’t afraid of the darkness and the void he encountered while attempting to create this world – He ventured. If you care to add, He took the risk; you and I are the product of that risk. I dare say those who fear to take risks will always be at the mercy of those who do. Look through your window. I will tell you what you stand to see - the wide gap between those who are ready to take risk and the timid. Fear is the greatest unmaking of losers – the fear of “what if”. This alibi has kept me downtrodden for ages. The good news is that 92% of our fears will never happen.

Here is the result of my research:

* Roughly 40% of what we fear/worry about will never happen
* 30% of what we fear/worry about has already happened
* 23% of our fear/worry is about unfounded things that are still assumptions
* Totally, 92% of things that we fear/worry about will never on earth come to pass
* Only 8% is possible to occur and if it happens, God has given us strength to handle it.
Why then do you fear to venture?

The most prominent fear of this age is the fear to venture because of failed experiences in our past. This fear abounds in nearly every heart since we all have encountered one form of disappointment or another in our lives. I was a victim of many fears, but this fear’s huge and sadly, it spread to everything I do, eating me up like cancer. Many of us will dare stare the devil in the face or go into the proverbial Nigeria's evil forest (I don’t know if it really exists) but cannot risk falling in LOVE again. Possibly you keep asking, “Why should I fall in love when I stand the chance of heartbreak?” “Why travel through the rigors of that part when men are jerks and women are loose?” Why give someone my love when I am not sure if it’s not going to be trampled on?” Many and many more questions might ring in your head, but the truth remains that those who fear failure have failed already, because the hands of the timid attract failure.

I speak also to people who have packed up businesses and ideas because it didn’t work the first time. In the making of an incandescent lamp, Thomas Edison failed about 10,000 times and yet he said, “I didn’t fail 10, 000 time. I successfully eliminated 10,000 errors and combination that couldn’t work.” Success responds to persistence. Take the risk again and who knows, this could be the time that the tide will turn. Shalom.

100 THINGS YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT COLYNS AGBOJU

2010-11-09T21:57:00.001-08:00

Every 10^th of November (My birthday), I answer random questions about me. Of course no “spotlight” on me yet but I think its right to set the record straight here every year for those who follow me on this blog and also my friends around the world. These past months I have lived virtually on the road and in hotels with little time to do much thinking and writing. And so, I am using this style. I like it because it keeps my answers brief and brings you back to me for more. Lol. These are hundred questions I perceive you want to know about me. Feel free to ask anything you want. Today, you have a discount for every question asked. Rotfl.

This piece is intended to appreciate every one of you who have loved me unconditionally and truly; flaws and strengths. And to all of you who visit my blog and say a word or two to encourage me. It’s also important to appreciate those of you who critique me. But for you, I would have grown lazy. Thank you all. Enjoy this.

100 RANDOM THINGS ABOUT COLYNS AGBOJU

1. Last drink- coke

2. Last phone call- my dad

3. Last text message- I am out of the country so can’t receive text messages. I will let you know when I get home.

4. Last song you listened to – Endless Love – Luther Vandross & Mariah Carey

5. Last time you cried – tonight.

HAVE YOU EVER:

6. Dated someone twice - Nope

7. Been cheated on- I don’t know! I have never caught anyone in lies

8. Kissed someone and regretted it- nope

10. Been depressed – Yes

11. Been drunk and threw up – no

LIST THREE FAVOURITE COLOURS:

12. Blue

13. Red

14. Gold

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made new friends? Yes - alot

16. Fallen out of love? - Nope.

17. Laughed until you cried? Yeah it's fun. You should try it too

18. Met someone who changed you? Yeah - Everyone i have met in life

19. Found out who your true friends were? I do few friends - guess they are true

20. Found out someone was talking about you? Yeah. If nobody talks about you, then you’re nobody

21. Kissed anyone on your friends list on fb? Yes. Ok stop there!!!

22. How many people on your friends list on Facebook do you know in real life?- counting....will tell you when I am done.

23. How many kids do you want to have? - 2 - a boy and a girl (maybe 3. still consulting. lol)

24. Do you have any pets? Yes. I am my own pet

25. Do you want to change your name?- Nah! COLLINS is so sweet buh Methuselah is cool too. lol

26. What did you do for your last birthday?- worked all day and saw Michael Jackson’s "This Is It” @ Silver Bird Galleria at night.

27. What time did you wake up today? – I have not even slept yet

28. What were you doing at midnight last night? - talking with my fiancé

29. Name something you cannot wait for – To be married and have a baby

30. Last time you saw your father- a week ago. See!!! You are a sexist. Why didn’t you ask about mom mom? lol

31. What is the one thing you wish you could change about your life? - I am fearfully & wonderfully made

32. What are you listening to right now? – You.

33. Have you ever spoken to someone named Tom? Why Tom?

34. What's getting on your nerves right now? - This list of questions. lol

35. Most visited web page? Facebook.com

36. What's your real name? Collins Oluniyi Osebimega Abiodun Agboju

37. Nicknames- Colyns

38. Relationship status- Engaged

39. Zodiac sign- Scorpion

40. Male, female or transgendered- tell me

41. Infant school – My mom's arms

42. Junior school– Army Children Primary School

43. High school- Government Secondary School, Kakuri

44. Hair colour- Scanty Black. Lol.

45. Long or short- what???

46. Height- 6ft plus.

47. Do you have a crush on someone? Yeah on you

48. What do you like about yourself? - I love my Spirit, soul & body

49. Piercings- Nope

50. Tattoos – Nope

51. Righty or lefty - Righty

FIRSTS:

52. First surgery- None

53. First piercing- None

54. First bestfriend- My mom

56. First kiss - I don’t kiss n tell.

57. First concert- Are you kidding me?

58. First crush- that’s when I was 2 years old. Lol.

RIGHT NOW:

59. Eating- ice-cream

60. Drinking- nothing

61. I'm about to- sleep

62. Listening to- why do you keep asking me this?

63. Waiting for- a miracle

YOUR FUTURE:

64. Want kids? - Passionately

65. Get married?- Definitely!

66. Careers in mind? Counseling & Motion Picture Director.

WHICH IS BETTER ON THE OPPOSITE SEX:

67. Lips or eyes? Eyes

68. Hugs or kisses? Both

69. Shorter or taller? Anything but dwarf. my height can compensate

70. Older or younger? Does it really matter?

71. Romantic or spontaneous? Both

72. Nice stomach or nice arms? Nice stomach

73. Sensitive or loud? Sensitive

74. Hook up or relationship? Relationship.

75. Trouble maker or hesitant? None

HAVE YOU EVER:

76. Shoplifted? – You expect me to tell u that and have the police after me huh? lol

77. Drank hard liquor? - Nope

78. Lost glasses/ contacts? - Yeah

79. Sex in a public place? - No

80. Broken someone's heart?- Negative. But you never can tell if someone thought you did.

81. Had your heart broken? - Yep. Who hasn’t?

82. Been arrested? - No

83. Turned someone down? - I aint greedy

84. Cried when someone died? - Yeah. Don’t you?

85. Liked a friend that is a guy/girl? - Of course.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

86. Yourself? - Yes

87. Miracles? - Yes

88. Love at first sight? I don’t know about love at first sight but I can like someone at first sight

89. Heaven? - My home

90. Santa Clause? Waste of time

91. Kiss on the first date? - I put a knife to my throat

92. Angels? - I am an angel

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:

93. Is there one person you want to be with right now? I am now

94. Had more than one bf/gf at one time? - Nope. I don’t do double-‘tis trouble

95. Did you sing today? Yup. Singing right now

96. Any regrets? – Nope!!! But I have done stuffs I am not proud of

97. If you could go back in time how far would you go? Now

98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it what day would it be? – 09/06/2010

99. Are you afraid of falling in love? - Nope.

100. Posting this as 100 truths?- lemme check...

happy birthday to me.

10 THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT MY SHOE. If you care to start, please finish.

2010-09-29T09:25:00.000-07:00

1. My shoe's mine. Face it!!! Yours is fine I know, but this is mine. Excellent or not, it's still mine.

2. My shoe fits - don’t assume it doesn’t.

3. My shoe is unique, priceless & the best of God's creation.

4. You can’t walk around in my shoe - it is going to be too big or too small for you. Why do you like to wear mine and ignore yours?

5. My shoe hurts sometimes and I cry behind closed doors; I just want you to know.

6. You may think my shoe's old, plain and cheap but I don't envy yours. If you love yours, you will not be so busy with mine.

7. I don’t talk down your shoe - don’t do it to mine. You think yours is spotless? Well, I see some spots but I can control my mouth.

8. I can buckle my shoelace but sometimes I need help with it.

9. My shoe is not perfect but you don’t have to be cynical with your opinion - I didn’t make the shoe.

10. My shoe is my life. Now you know.

Fortunately, I didn’t buy mine; it’s a gift from the Maker. All I want to do is to use it with pride, fulfill its purpose and make the Maker proud. For this reason was I given this gift; (For thou has created all things and for thy pleasure, they are and we're created)

If you have any question, observation, opinion, or criticism about my shoe, please forward it to God, THE SHOEMAKER. This life isn't mine.

- Colyns Agboju

THE RUSH HOUR

2010-09-20T20:47:00.000-07:00

A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something. As his car passed, no children appeared. Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door! He slammed on the brakes and drove the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown. The angry driver then jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up against a parked car, shouting, "what was that all about and who are you"?

Just what the heck are you doing?
That's a new car and that brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money.
Why did you do it?"
The young boy was apologetic. "Please mister ... please, I'm sorry... I didn't know what else to do," he pleaded.
"I threw the brick because no one else would stop..."
With tears dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car.
"It's my brother," he said.
"He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up."

Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, "Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me."
Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair, then took out his fancy handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts. A quick look told him everything was going to be okay.

"Thank you and may God bless you," the grateful child told the stranger.
Too shook up for words, the man simply watched the little boy push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home. It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very noticeable, but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door. He kept the dent there to remind him of this message: Don't go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!

God whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts. Sometimes when we don't have time to listen, He has to throw a brick at us. It's our choice: Listen to the whisper ... or wait for the brick!

ONE MORE ADVICE ABOUT DREAMS

2010-09-16T00:07:00.000-07:00

A boy once said to God, “You know what I want when I grow up.” He then proceeded to give God his list: to live in a big house, to marry a tall blue-eyed woman; to have three sons – one will be a senator, one a scientist, and one a quarterback. He also wanted to be a mountain climber and drive a red Ferrari. As it turned out, the boy hurt his knees one day, while playing football. He could no longer climb trees talk more of mountains.

He ended up marrying a beautiful and kind woman who was short with brown eyes, instead of blue eyes. Because of his business, he lived in an apartment in the city and usually rode the subway instead of a big house. He had three lovely daughters instead of sons and they adopted a male fluffy cat! One daughter became a nurse, one an artist and the third, a music teacher. One morning the boy woke and remembered his boyhood dreams. He became extremely depressed. Heartbroken, he cried out to God: “Remember when I was a boy, I told you all the things I wanted, why didn’t you give me all those things?” “I could have” replied God, “but I wanted to make you happy. Some of those things you asked for could have led you to an early grave.”

God is always working for our good. ALWAYS.

Purest love

IT'S ALREADY IN YOU

2010-09-07T03:15:00.000-07:00

In my Army Children’s School days, a few of my classmates and I went to visit a sick friend somewhere in Barnawa, Kaduna. I won’t mention the name of the building because it is still standing and many of you who have been to that state or now live in it will know this particular structure and I don’t want to be arrested because of this story, lol. Anyway, we got there after a long walk but the classmate leading us forgot the specific house. Disappointed, we sat down on the 3^rd floor and waited for our confused friend to recollect after we had rained insults on him. Even if he didn’t remember, we had to rest before taking the long walk back to school in the scorching sun of Kaduna. It was amidst that short rest that a few of my classmates dragged us into trouble by throwing particles at some women platting on the first floor.

The women got angry and their outcry alerted the residents of the building who never liked children from my school because of their naughtiness. Within minutes, the building was agog and they were determined to get us. We perceived that one way to get to us was to shut down the gate, so we all headed that direction before it was late. All of us escaped except our friend Emeka. Even at the age of 10, we knew that if the residents got to one of us, we were all in trouble, so we stayed near to see our fate. While our eyes were glued to the gate to fathom what would happen to Emeka, he showed up right behind us laughing. Surprised, we asked how he escaped from over ten grown men with the gate closed. His answer, in my primary school days was just another story of bravery and covered in mystery, but now I know better.

Emeka told us that when he got to the gate, it was closed and a man was waiting there with “koboko” a Hausa word for whip. He couldn’t pass and so he headed for another direction; running more than his legs could carry by the fence of the building. By then, the men were all behind this little 10-year-old boy and determined to get him. Then Emeka saw his breakthrough and it was a water tank. Those of us in Nigeria know how water tanks for storey buildings were built in those days. The container usually stands on a four-legged, 30 foot crane; depending on the storey building. That was the escape route Emeka saw, and when he got to the foot, he began to climb this ‘miracle’ tank that stood erect by the fence of the building. The men stood under the water tank laughing, thinking that Emeka had been trapped. They expected him to climb down when he gets to the top, or they would climb up to get him if he refused to come to them. But Emeka had another plan. He wanted to climb the tank until he was over the fence and then jump to the next compound and escape. The men never expected a-10-years old boy to have the gut to do that. But he did and wowed them. We called him “the brave one” that day because not one of us considered himself bold enough to do that. Unknown to us, Emeka has something working for him and we don’t and that’s THE ADRENAL GLAND – the part of us designed by God specifically for handling situations that look larger than life.

When God created us, He placed on top of our kidneys, a pair of adrenal glands. They are there to provide for us hormones necessary for the production of energy to do the impossible in very difficult situations, like beat up an attacking lion, jump off a moving vehicle in the face of danger, wrestle a bugler, think up unquestionable solutions in tension etc. One of my friends described how he felt when a mad bulldog broke loose and came after him. In his word, “My hair stood erect and for the first time I prayed that the ground should swallow me alive.” Unfortunately, the ground did not swallow him, but he found himself running faster than Usain Bolt. On a normal day, this friend doesn’t like to run and when he does, he’s slow. Something must have happened that day. We all have similar stories to tell when given the opportunity. Sometimes we say God helped us, and I agree. Oftentimes, it’s the adrenalin given to us by God that worked for us.

What causes the adrenal gland to pump through our body? FEAR! When we are in danger, dread rebuke, rejection, the ‘unknowns’ or spend our whole life in anxiety, we secrete hormones the way we would when we see a bulldog, or when we are in Emeka’s kind of condition. Unfortunately, the adrenalin that is produced during those times will not be used except there is a situation to spend the generated adrenalin. So what happens when the adrenalin surges through your body and there is no big situation to combat, like fighting or running away from a bulldog? WE GET SICK! Adrenalin can only be used to conquer seemingly impossible situations like the story of my childhood friend. If not used, it eventually causes high blood pressure, ulcer, headache or a myriad of other diseases. Do you see why those who allow fear and worry to control their lives visit the doctor more often? I believe that is why God admonished us severally in His word to FEAR NOT! Because the moment you start to worry or fear, you put yourself in the hands of numerous diseases.

When next fear or worry sets in, jump up on your feet and fight back, because at that time, we grow bigger than the problems that we stand against. The power is in you. Samson fought a lion and won; David killed a bear with his bare hands and later embarrassed the proud Goliath who looked insurmountable. Paul killed a poisonous snake with his bare hands and Jacob even fought an angel and prevailed. For us Christians, we have more than adrenalin working for us. We have CHRIST. One popular scripture used all the time is, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” It is time to believe these words and use them for our salvation.

Don’t spend your life worrying over your difficulties. Instead, stand up and fight the problems. We have the power to fight and win. IT’S ALREADY IN YOU.

TO CHASE DOWN A DREAM by Tyler Perry

2010-08-02T03:08:00.000-07:00

I am a fan or Tyler Perry and his works especially "Why Did I Get Married Too, Diary Of The Black Mad Woman, Madea Family Reunion." I subscribed to his mailing list and so receive emails from him intermittently. I got this one email last week and wish to share with you guys. Having read about his struggles in the Pursuit of his dreams and then again his successes that is a result of persistence and brilliance, I think everyone who is pursuing a dream should read this piece. You will like it.

- Colyns Agboju

... I've been MIA but we just finished the movie, For Colored Girls, and I have to tell you, I have new respect for Ntozake Shange's 1975 writings. Listening to these words spoken through the voices of Phylicia Rashad, Kerry Washington, Tessa Thompson, Macy Gray, Kimberly Elise, Thandie Newton, Whoopi Goldberg, Janet Jackson and Loretta Devine, made me not only respect the brilliance of the material, but also pull out everything in me to do my best to give it the care and attention to detail that it deserved. Out of all that I've ever done in my life, nothing has taken more out of me than this film. It is remarkable.

Being so drained, I decided to take a few days off. Yesterday I was hiking a mountain in Hawaii with a friend. I was laboring up this beautiful green pastured mountain, looking down at my feet trying to be sure of my footing, while at the same time trying to catch my breath from the altitude. At times, I would make big steps, sometimes all I could do was take small ones. The terrain was uneven and rough at times. It took a lot of effort and a lot of thought so, needless to say, I was getting really tired and at times wanted to stop or just turn back.

I got to one peak and I thought "I'm here, great, we can rest now" only to realize that just because I was at the top of one peak, that didn't mean I had arrived. There were more…more valleys to go through and more heights to reach. It was interesting to me, that in order to go higher, we usually had to go down through a valley, and it went on and on and up and up. I was tired and wanted to sit down but my friend said, "Come on, let's go a little higher." So, not to be outdone by a girl (lol), I dug my hiking boots in and went a little higher. We finally got to one of the highest points and she said to me, "This is the best part, now turn around." I turned around and behind me was the most amazing view that I had seen in my 40 years on this earth. As far as my eyes could see, beauty reigned. The Hawaiian Islands seemed to be leaping up out of the silver blue sea, stretching up to catch the dust of the sky. The clouds seemed close enough to catch in my hand and make a wish; rays of sunlight danced through them trying to find a path to show off their own glow and power. Not even Picasso could have out-painted the canvas that was before me. The heavens were declaring the glory of God. I saw Him in motion.

I said to my friend, "When did we get this high?", and she said, "It was in the climb." I couldn't help but think about life - mine and maybe even yours. I thought about how hard it had been for me chasing down my dream. I thought about how hard it can be to believe sometimes. I thought about the entire struggle, all of the pain, all of the hope, all of the doubt. I thought about the times I was working a dead end job, trying to believe; moving through day-to-day with my head down just taking one step at a time, some small, some big ones, wanting to give up; wanting to stop and sit for a while; wanting to lay in my sorrow; nobody believing in me; nobody thinking it would come to pass and never realizing that every step was taking me closer to higher. That hike was painful, it hurt, but through it all I was getting higher and had no idea how high I was. That's what it's like to chase down a dream.

Sometimes in life dreams are hard to follow, like that climb. You don't know how high you're going or even if you're moving, but every step, even when you can't see what's behind you, will take you closer to your goals. It's in the climb. I know you may be struggling right now, but you're in the climb; things may be hard right now, but you're in the climb; people may not believe in you, but it's part of the climb. They may take shots at you, but stay in the climb; you may have to stand alone, but you're in the climb. Even if you're not where you want to be right now, I want to say to you what she said to me, "This is the best part, now turn around." Look how far you've come. God has not brought you this far to leave you. Stay in the climb.

So thankful for all of you. Be well. CLIMB!

Tyler Perry

WILLFUL SURRENDER: 6 RESPECTFUL WAYS TO HELP YOUR MATE GIVE UP BAD HABITS

2010-07-25T23:05:00.000-07:00

"It’s astonishing how we empower seemingly minor and inconsequential habits to trigger great havoc in our relationships. King Solomon in his wisdom calls it “the little foxes that spoil the vine”. It’s time to strap those miniature destructive foxes and be in control of our lives"

If being unorganized means leaving the bathroom floor wet after bath, eat on the bed while watching TV, throw my shirt carelessly (sometimes) in the wardrobe, making noise very early in the morning when my mate’s sleeping etc, then I am abundantly gifted in that section. And if relationship and marriage is all about attacking me about these habits every day, there will be tension all or most of the time. Bad habits like controlling attitude, nagging, chewing fingernails, chomping gum, coming late to appointments, blowing one’s nose at the dinner table, cursing, etc have led to the breakdown of many homes and it’s creating tension in many as I write. I have read and seen how disgusting behaviors have sapped the happiness in families and scare some men from going home until the wives are asleep. Are relationships about constantly fixing up your mate? If they were messed up, why did you choose to be with them? I agree that your mate has some irritating behaviors and they have to be confronted. I am interested in how you are gonna do this without causing a friction. The following points will help you achieve this.

DON’T BE SELFISH

In your haste to change or correct your mate, you have to first discover that you aint perfect yourself. You’ve got to tell yourself that perhaps your habits bother them too and maybe they are not attacking you because they are more matured about it. 2face Idibia puts it perfectly when he said “you no holy pass my brother”. Now you have to let this truth dawn on you prompting the mild, gentle and forgiving side of you to thrive. We can’t be reasonable when we are wrapped in self righteousness saying our mate is “shitty” and we are not.

Also, humans compartmentalize habits as good or bad because of our perception and it doesn’t necessarily mean they are. In other words, we see things as WE ARE and not as THEY ARE. It’s time to rest the weight of self righteousness and your age-long perception of things and embrace simple qualities like understanding, patience, politeness, forgiveness. If you want to change someone, you gotta change yourself first. Turn the table around with your mate sitting in your seat while you are in theirs. HOW WOULD YOU WANT TO BE TREATED? Do you wanna be treated as a kid who gets spanked at the slightest mistake or you would prefer a little understanding and tenderness? I am not creating room for bad habits to thrive. I want to awaken a lover’s humaneness in you, which could have been trampled in your relationship by self righteousness, anger, frustration, and bitterness. When the above qualities are introduced, we can commence a journey to helping our partner surrender their irritating habits without causing a friction otherwise, the journey will be futile.

THE EFFECT OF A TENDER REQUEST

A gentle answer deflects anger But harsh words make temper flare Proverbs 15:1(NLT)

Sometimes it’s hard to hold down a temper when your partner repeats a habit. It is unhealthy and dangerous to pretend you are okay with it too. You will have to confront him/her but how you do it matters a lot. Until recently, I never knew that leaving the bathroom floor wet after bath was an annoying habit. I enjoy my bath a lot and care less about the floor. After all, it will be mopped or dry up soon. But here are the words that alerted me. “Baby, the bathroom floor is always wet when you use it. I dunno how you do it but I am scared to go in there after you use it because I could fall.” That’s it!!! I quickly apologized and purposed in my heart to do better in the future. Although I still wet it a little less, I am trying my best. Imagine if it were a cynical, commanding, disdainful and angry voice that alerted me the first time. Except I am in a good mood, it’s gonna flare my temper and set me on the defensive.

Sometimes your partner is oblivious of his/her bad habits. Your first reaction determines if they are gonna relinquish it with or without a fight. Rather than scream, yell and attack, sit your mate down in a place where there are no distractions and then, in a sincere and kind tone, let them know that their attitude puts you in harm’s way or annoys you. Often times, a gentle, nice, loving tone produces a favorable effect.

BE THERE:

Don’t ever underestimate the effect of solidarity in a tension. If for instance, your partner is in the habit of dressing provocatively triggering embarrassing comments at the mall, don’t run off or make statements like “I have told you”. Reserve the sermon for yourselves at home. One lesson I learned in the movie, FIREPROOF is to never leave your partner in the fire. This is the time to stand strong by her and tell those nosey individuals to mind their business. Actions like this reassure your mate and send the message that you love them regardless of their habits and are eager to protect them. When people get to this point in a relationship, change is near because it’s a place of trust; they can now listen to your suggestions and judgments of them. Running away or making demeaning statements in public places about your mate’s habits is an adolescent behavior because when you choose to love someone, you love them with their strength and flaws. You stay put until the flaw disappears and the strength hits the skies.

GIVE UP YOUR PESKY HABIT FIRST

You already know you are not the perfect image of a Hollywood mate right? With that in mind, ask your partner what habits turns them off about you (they can tell/write it in the order of worst to bad). Relinquish your pesky habit without asking him/her to do same. Promise them that you will make that sacrifice and be committed to it. When your mate sees your commitment to being a better person for them, they will be very willing to make sacrifices too. Sometimes the reason why people don’t change is because we try to remove the speck in their eyes and glorify the logs on ours. We have all forms of excuses for our habits but want them to give up theirs. Is that fair? Also, suggesting a trade-off (I give up a habit while you do same) is a very selfish way of telling someone to lose a couple of needless habits. It’s more honorable to make those sacrifices without expecting anything in return.

APPRECIATE EFFORTS NOT SUCCESSES

When a person is trying to give up a pesky habit, it is a mate’s responsibility to encourage him/her and not ridicule when they struggle sometimes. The truth is that habits are part of us and breaking away is not often easy. When your partner relapses, restrain yourself from any form of attack or ridicule. Acknowledge the fact that you notice their effort and stay positive that they can make it. We thrive better on appreciation than on criticism. “Baby I appreciate the fact that you’re putting so much effort into overcoming smoking” doesn’t cost you and the relationship anything at all. But words like “liar! I knew you can never give up smoking. You were only pretending.” will sap the remaining energy in your mate to go on. Don’t wait until the habits are completely gone before you appreciate, acknowledging the little efforts they put in daily will add up to their success.

BE FRANK – TELL IT AS IT IS

Every personal, intimate relationship thrives on open, frank communication. It doesn’t matter if your partner is uncomfortable with it; you gotta to say how you feel because it is unhealthy not to. Relationships that do not have these moments are built on lies. The reason why most open communications have adverse effects is because it sounds in the ears of their partner as spiteful threats or lectures. Sometimes it sends a signal that your mate has been 100% annoying or they have never done anything honorable. This is so because of our choice of words. Open communication is about how the actions of your partner make you feel and not about what they should do ACT. That’s their decision. Also, applaud your partner in areas they do well while you are busy downloading your hurt. It will be well accepted. Please don’t give in to the temptation of lecturing and fixing up your partner in such moments or even threatening and giving ultimatums. When you do that, you may get a negative outcome to open conversations.

I suggest that couples should have planned moments of frank/honest talk intermittently to assess their actions and growth over a period of time. You can call it OUR PARLIAMENT; a place/time that every voice is important and every point valid. When such moments are well done and fruitful, couples will long for the moments. Speaking is important. I know this too well.

Again these words are worthy of repeating. "It’s astonishing how we empower seemingly minor and inconsequential issues to trigger great havoc in our relationships. King Solomon in his wisdom calls it “the little foxes that spoil the vine”. It’s time to strap those miniature destructive foxes and be in control of our lives"

Purest Love,

10+ IMPORTANT QUESTIONS TO ANSWER ABOUT YOUR HEALTH.

2010-06-29T02:02:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt handicapped because of the pang of sickness? Imagine that you have so much to do but you just cannot lift a finger towards achieving your goal. If you are like me, the pain, restlessness and frustration that comes with a sick body is worse than anything one can explain in writing. Sickness visits because we did or didn’t do something to our body. Contrary to popular beliefs, sicknesses do not just happen, we invite them. And although our body resistance varies from person to person, every medically incorrect action against our body has a repercussion no matter what our beliefs are. So if you want your body to behave, the questions I have asked in this piece when they are answered might be helpful in creating a strong healthy body and mind, rich enough to raise a wall against every form of stubborn infection ready to attack you. No matter your vocation, a healthy body is paramount to achieving your goals. Here are 10 questions I am asking you.

WHAT’S YOUR SLEEPING HABIT?

Our body is created with limits physically and that’s why God created night and day for us to have seasons of work and rest. Even the almighty had a whole day of rest at creation and because rest is so important to our wellbeing; He made it a commandment in the Old Testament. Shun that excuse about having too much on your table and hit the bed right now. Your body needs sleep to function aright and not collapse. Your body is not a machine and even machines break down when they don’t get adequate rest. Research has discovered that not getting enough sleep is responsible to a list of mental and physical health problems, including suppression of the immune system. In other words those who sleep less are more prone to visit the doctor for various kind of ailment. If you’re finding yourself getting sick or not in control of your body anymore, it’s time to ask yourself, “DO I SLEEP WELL?

DO YOUR WASH YOUR HANDS?

I watched yesterday on TV that when you see a sign that advises you to wash your hand, don’t ask questions; just DO it. I completely agree with it. Colds and flu are always on transit and the probability of picking up some live viruses on your hands at some point in the day, especially if cold and flu viruses are circulating is 1. This is one fact not yet clear to Africans and sometimes they laugh at people who are so cautious. Little wonder we have all forms of viruses known to man in circulation. I don’t see why you should be stubborn and sarcastic about it. If you value yourself, just do it because as we know, prevention is better than cure. It takes about 15 seconds to avoid so many days of restlessness and possible expenses in the clinic because of your hardheadedness. It’s hard but I have learned to because it pays.

HOW MUCH WATER DO YOU TAKE?

Do you know that your body is over 60% water? Yes it is. Water transports nutrients to cells and flushes out toxins. It also means that toxins will remain and cause damages to our system when we don’t have adequate water in us. We are often advised by friends and loved ones (I hear it a lot from my fiancée) to take plenty of fluids when we are sick but why wait until we are actually sick before we get hydrated? Do yourself a favor and flush all the toxins that find their way into your system by getting hydrated at every time of the day.

DO YOU EXERCISE?

I first learned this secret in my university days. One of my friends had symptom of malaria and before he was crushed by it, headed for the gym and spent a while exercising. Amazingly, he got better. Funny enough his actions back then were not influenced in any way by any scientific research. It was his personal discovery. Years after, tons of research has discovered that frequent and regular exercise, at least aerobic exercise, helps boost the immune system and reduce the risk of infection. Exercise helps reduce inflammatory molecules that are known to impair the immune system. Exercise is not only for those who want to have good bodies and feel great. It is also a necessity for those who want to avoid sickness. Now go ahead and ask yourself this question.

DO YOU SHARE EVERYTHING?

I see this all the time. Alcoholics and friends sharing a drink from the same bottle while smokers share a stick of cigarette or marijuana. I have also seen friends who share clothes and even underwear and claim its fun. Fun? Yeah right! Are you one of those and isn’t that risky to your health? I am not advising a selfish movement but the risk of sharing food, drinks, cigarettes, toothbrushes, or other oral items is a sure way to spread diseases. Instead of drinking a coke from the same bottle, buy your friend one. You can be liberal without sharing things that affect your health. So it’s okay if you’re a little selfish sometimes. Your immune system and your finances will thank you.

DO YOU DO DRUG, BOOZE, GRASS, CIGS, COFFEE?

You must have heard and read this more than a thousand times and I am not gonna make too much fuss about it anymore. Drug, booze, grass, cigs, coffee weakens your immune system. What is the immune system? Immune system is responsible for protecting you against infections that daily attack your system. So when next you wanna groove and feel high, remember that it might in turn cost you more than a just a drag or a sip at the hospital and but can make you handicap for the rest of your life

DO YOU EAT COLORFUL FRUITS & VEGETABLES?

Even as you read this article, your immune system, which is responsible for fighting off infections, is quietly in battle to shield your body from attacks. It does this every minute of the day. This means that you have to empower it to be ready for the daily challenges. It is paramount because when your immune system fails, nothing can stop you from receiving deathly blows from diseases. You need a healthy diet of vitamins and minerals to empower and ensure that you’re adequately protected. When it comes to fruits and vegetables, darker and more colorful is better because they are loaded with the most nutrients.

CHECK THOSE AROUND YOU, ARE THEY SICK?

Please don’t argue this. If you are always in the companion of sick people you will eventually fall sick (if you don’t protect yourself). It’s as simple as ABC. Almost all strains of cold and flu viruses spread from direct human contact, so by avoiding those who are sick or taking adequate measure while with them will go a long way in keeping you healthy. If you’re deafened by the sound of sniffling coworkers, stick to your own desk and sanitize your hands often. It is pertinent that you know this because sometimes all we need to be struck down by sicknesses is just breathing in airborne droplets of someone who sneezed or hugging and kissing a sick person. No this piece is not advising a selfish and unloving disposition. The truth is, if you are into welfare, one way to keep on caring for others is when you are healthy. Love does not mean you shouldn’t care for yourself too. For the sake of love, you should do this.

BEWARE! DO YOU TOUCH YOUR FACE OFTEN?

The primary entry point of most germs into your body is via the face. It sounds like a joke but it’s very true. Your eyes, nose, ears, mouth etc are the major visible port our bodies have except our genitals but that is when we talk about sexually transmitted diseases. I mentioned earlier that we can get sick by breathing in airborne droplets of someone who sneezed. This is so true. Cold and flu viruses can also invade through these unbelievable entryways. Always make certain that all ports are secure or that you don’t unconsciously infect it with viruses by picking your nose, licking or biting your fingers and rubbing your eyes.

WHAT IS YOUR SEX HABIT?

Another port every human has is the genital. This is also primary and in recent times a big entry point of life-ending diseases. Unfortunately, abstinence is old fashion in our world today and those with sexual integrity are questioned and considered sick. And so we have more damaging diseases and mourn the departure of many promising lives because men and women have not learned to control their basic instinct and also protect this port. Keep your body safe from sexual diseases by ensuring that you also protect this entryway to your body. One moment of uncontrolled passion can equally open the door to early grave. A word is enough for the wise.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN DIVINE HEALTH?

After all is done, pray to God to help you stay healthy. This is a mystery and many people won’t understand and will even argue that God doesn’t play any role in our health. Research has proven that those who believe in divine health and exercise their faith in God fall sick less often than people who don’t. It is God’s desire that we live in health but we need to believe in Him to enjoy this blessing. All that is required is faith that God can and will keep you strong and healthy with you come to him with a broken and an open heart. If you are sick right now, he can make you whole again. Just ask him in faith.

Finally, there are many other things you can do to avoid falling sick. Some of these might be different from continent to continent and also from person to person. Discover what makes you sick and avoid them. For instance I discovered that certain foods make me sick. I will be a fool if I continued eating it. I hope to add more to this list in the coming days.

Colyns Agboju - Spirit, Soul & Body

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10+ IMPORTANT QUESTIONS TO ANSWER ABOUT YOUR HEALTH.

DO YOUR WASH YOUR HANDS?

HOW MUCH WATER DO YOU TAKE?

DO YOU EXERCISE?

DO YOU SHARE EVERYTHING?

DO YOU DO DRUG, BOOZE, GRASS, CIGS, COFFEE?

DO YOU EAT COLORFUL FRUITS & VEGETABLES?

CHECK THOSE AROUND YOU, ARE THEY SICK?

WHAT IS YOUR SEX HABIT?

DO YOU BELIEVE IN DIVINE HEALTH?

God bless you.